You do not have to be good
This is one of my favorite poems of all time (thx to Jill for the reminder). Given that it says everything I could (and better, with craft and elegance), I'll not say much. But everytime I read this poem, I find something new.

Today--from where I stand, now--it's bringing me back to the ordinary flesh and blood that we are. That we aren't some esoteric mind that somehow rises above our lowly animal selves. When we die, it's our bodies that are forever, not our riotous minds. Our bodies are literally immortal--changing and eventually getting absorbed into dirt, plants, sky, water, air--immutable but also always changing.

Of course, all that verbage (and the words below, for that matter) are just products of various thoughts, and therefore necessarily ephemeral, mortal, and may well be undone in the next moment...
Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
...

Labels: inspiration, poetry, words

:: ewee 1:49:00 PM [+] :: 1 comments ::
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:: Monday, August 17, 2009 ::

Beyond my imagination...
Good, productive weekend of bursty work patterns and getting things done. Think I've been overdoing it for a bit, because I'm worn out and honestly a bit sick today (tired, achy, slow). But that's also data, and so I'm resting and getting myself together for the next charge. In the meantime, I got to finish a book of substance (recommended by the general herself): Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri.

It's a quick read, but far from easy. It's wrenchingly, quietly, painfully, beautifully difficult in places. And transcendent throughout. She's not my favorite writer (The Namesake gets a nod, but that's it), and at times I disliked her stories intensely. Perhaps the quiet ordinary despair was just too much for a midweek commute read. But she's a good writer, and excellent at her craft--she uses words so well and with such skill, that her prose is transparent, light-weight, and devastating.

If you only have 15 minutes, read the last story in the series. But I'd recommend just reading the entire book, and savoring the last story at the end.
"Whenever he is discouraged, I tell him that if I can survive on three continents, then there is no obstacle he cannot conquer. While astronauts, heroes forever, spent mere hours on the moon, I have remained in this new world for nearly thirty years. I know that my achievement is quite ordinary. I am not the only man to seek his fortune far from home, and certainly I am not the first. Still, there are times I am bewildered by each mile I have traveled, each meal I have eaten, each person I have know, each room in which I have slept. As ordinary as it all appears, there are times when it is beyond my imagination."

-from Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri
Labels: books, eyeshurt, inspiration, random, reading, words

:: ewee 5:15:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Saturday, August 15, 2009 ::

Walking in the dark
[Backposting on 9/25/09--written on Saturday, 8/15/09 5:30am-5:45am]

Those of you who know me, might know about my glaucoma--a condition I'm thankful to have caught early (Dr. Slam!), thankful to be treating (Dr. P!), and scared to death of.

My life is so dependent on my vision, a fact that I've taken for granted until recently.

Everything I do--from the living I make, to the things I make that give my life meaning--they're all based on my ability to see, and to see well and with attention.

It defines me so completely, that when I think of it, there's that chasm again. And with the inkling of the chasm, I'm off, toiling, if not to fill it, at least to keep myself busy while facing the abyss.

So I find myself practicing. Walking through the darkened house, testing my non-visual memory: Can I locate and get through doorways, around furniture, avoid squeaky toys (it is, after all, just after 5am, and while our puppy would love a romp, my partner and my older dog would most certainly not appreciate it). And this is another, very literal, way for me to feel and find myself at home in our house. It's surprising, after only a year, how well I know and can sense our home.

Yet, when it comes to the void, my favorite things ("He took a polaroid everyday, until he died.") that have had the most profound impact on me are the smallest of gestures. Sure, some garner fame (bansky, andre to obama). But that's not what it's about--despite the gnashing voice in my head that demands to know what I've *done* with my life, to show what I have produced that is of value--no, the act is reason enough, and the art is just gravy. So I suppose we all just keep on keeping on--and especially when you can't, then you go easy. and if you can't go easy, go as easy as you can.
Labels: blather, glaucoma, making, navelgazing, process

:: ewee 5:45:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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Navelgazing
(and the art of self-referential blogging)
[Backposting on 9/25/09--post from Saturday, 8/15/09 4:30am-5:30am]

It's not quite 5am, I'm up with some half-formed ideas, mostly the stuff of procrastination and bursty energy, when I've got too much jangling around in my brain to sleep.

Blogs--mostly fill a personal space for me--not instead of, but as a love social supplement for our regularly scheduled overtaxed lives. Some of my friends are busy with kids (ella, quales, caleb), some of us are still kids (jill, eyeshurt, etc.) and reveling in our particular flavors of arrested development. (Who knew that the best part of growing up was not having to?), and some are actually the stuff of use that make me revel in the powers of the interwebs (stuff&nonsense, css globe, paul graham, etc.).

I've been reading more lately--ostensibly for personal and professional development. After all, I started most of this journey by teaching myself webby skills online. So if seems fitting, when I find myself bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready for a 2.0 (or 3.0) beating, that I should look for my resources/inspiration online.

And for all the blather about how the Internet has changed, media companies (aka magazines, newspapers, and the like) are still struggling to monetize the web. I won't even pretend to have that answer (if I did, I'd be writing this from my sunny island beach house, rather than my slowly gentrifying back deck). But I will give you a hint--or at least not the answer you want to hear: You don't monetize the web. It's still about content, about making good stuff. Media is just media is just media. It's not the container, so much as the substance that counts. And it's too late to worry about web 2.0, get cracking on 3.0 already.

Hello, remind anyone of web 1.0, and a little dotcom bubble action? Anyone?

And in the meantime, the extent of resources, and content, and generally good stuff does feel more mature (ok, well, not all of it). That is, you can still access free stuff online and often the free stuff is the best stuff out there.

Funny thing, I make some of my living making and selling pixels and picas. A literal montization of the web, if you will. And I find that (respectful) free stuff doesn't take away from my work. It frees me up to pursue work that interests me. (Note: I'm not talking about stealing here. Give credit where credit is due, play nice, and remember to wash your hands.

That's right, all those random requests from Aunt Millie? No problem--introduce her to her new best friend, Google. All your band friends after you to build them a cool website? Hey, no problem, here's Wordpress! Your artsy friend who really really wants you to teach them how to get on the web? Grit your teeth no longer--point them away from you to the nearest browser, mumble something about W3C and html 4.01 and run away when their eyes glaze over.

In all seriousness--it's fantastic what's out there.

Sure I wish I had more time in real life with people. Yes, my writing has suffered from hapazard capitalization and acronymization (also from the bastardization of perfectly good words). Sure, I wish my (select 2-3 from the following: blog, sketchbook, random photo of my dogs, random photo of your dogs, random photo of your dinner, 1.5 minute cellphone video, painting, illustration, doodle...) would make me money like I was riding a dotcom bubble...

But in the meantime, this reminds me of a conversation I had ages ago with my cousin, about keeping the professional and the personal spheres separate. I've chewed on that thought over the years, and it's been interesting to see her blogging again. Since I have no hugely important role of my own, and since my approach to blogging (and life) has been haphazard at best. I've been free to play in the big sandbox in the clouds--myspace, friendster (kehoe too!), dogster, ofoto, orkut, flickr...you get the idea). But in the end, the good stuff has lasted (blogger--even when I should have upgraded to wp, they made it easy to stay), yes, much due to inertia plus a misguided sense of loyalty/nostalgia.

Not sure what it means that so much of my life is stored, willy-nilly, on servers I'll never see. Not sure what it evokes, this life history that's spread across bytes and scrap of paper. It all feels so tenuous when I think of it--a huge chasm--and I'm a little sisyphean ant toiling away at my frantic foolishness.

But then, perhaps it's about impermanence. Letting go. Making stuff to make, rather than destroy.

Guess that's as real as it gets. So mebbe this is IRL after all...?
Labels: blather, blogging, impermanence, making, navelgazing, process

:: ewee 4:30:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Monday, August 10, 2009 ::

Skvetching
During a bachelor weekend in July, I found that, left to my own devices, I'm not all that different than when sy's in town. More and more, my favorite thing is to spend a lazy weekend on our deck, moving from shady spot to shady spot. Occasionally I pepper this sloth-like movement with reading, drawing, writing, and eating. Meanwhile, Kehoe loves to bake herself silly in the sun, and Toki follows a rigorous regimen of puppy calisthenics--wielding her toy-cum-nunchuks with manic glee. (The rest of the aimless doodles on the page are from eatins, drinkins, and socializins around that time, and the three graphics are just recent bits for pcw.com...)

Been feeling an extra helping of anxiety lately. Not sure of the exact cause, my level of busy-ness has stayed somewhat stable, and my level of puttering on projects has been fairly consistent (tho regretably, I'm not spending enough time on my paintings--but I always feel that way, regardless of how much painting time I get in).

But I'm finding myself more engaged. Caring more, if you will. Not coasting (which is so easy to do). But really giving a holy flying donut about what I'm working on, and will-they-like-it, will-it-work, please-please-let-it-not-suck...that kinda thing. It makes every step--especially the first one--fraught with tension, fear, and, yes, anxiety.

So I'm finding myself reading more, and thinking more about the process (for me, the act of making stuffs that doesn't suck is interrelated--be it a website, a painting, or a blog post). Today, I came across a couple more tidbits:
"If your old work doesn�t shame you, you�re not growing."

*and*

"Write when inspired; rest when tired.

Only you and a few of your designer friends will recognize the sloppy, ill-considered bits that make your work good when it could have been great. Of course, your designer friends will think less of you, and you�ll cringe every time you see the site, but if you don�t have a taste for masochism, you shouldn�t be in design, because the hurt will kill you."
Labels: bay area, doodle, drawings, illustrations, oaktown, one-a-day

:: ewee 1:33:00 PM [+] :: 3 comments ::
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:: Wednesday, August 05, 2009 ::

two more for july
Sketch on left from dimsum and coffee in alameda, and fireworks in jlo square. I love those cranes, can't seem to get enough of 'em. Think it might be time for another sketching excursion by the bay...

The one on the right was started at little skillet and finished during our (ahem) couply head shrinking.

Labels: art, doodle, drawings, illustrations, oaktown, one-a-day

:: ewee 12:10:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Tuesday, August 04, 2009 ::

she sees right through me
kehoe's always been able to see right through me. it's partly why i adopted her in the first place. even as a puppy, she had those eyes. right through the puppy prison bars, she looked at me, and it was hook-line-and-sinker. i never had a chance. she's proven to be a very interesting, and at times challenging, dog. with her, i take less for granted. and despite the difficulties, it's hard to express how much i love her, how much she means to me, and how my heart fills with love for this surreal little pup...
Labels: art, dogs, doodle, drawings, illustrations, kehoe, one-a-day

:: ewee 4:19:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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lovely friday off in the bay
this is from a foodly day with miz sy on the occasion of her birfday. 900 grayson, crixa cakes, dinner with friends, and a moment to sketch on the porch of belly p. life could be worse.
Labels: art, doodle, drawings, illustrations, one-a-day

:: ewee 12:37:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Monday, August 03, 2009 ::

More June/July Sketches
From left to right: Pride/commute doodles. Kehoe (and her cute toes), funny sexy dancing bird from Planet Earth. The chickies from the Vung Homo Maxi-chick-pad (and biker crew).
Labels: art, doodle, drawings, illustrations, one-a-day

:: ewee 1:45:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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catching up...
July was a bit busy for posting, but lots of sketching and some painting happened. Gonna see if I can't catch up a bit and post some photos...

Top sketch is my birthday wish for my Sifu. (We made her a book for her birthday.) Bottom left is just a loose bit of flowers in our yard, bottom right is a quick sketch of the Contemporary Jewish Museum after my Storycorps date with miz sy.

Labels: art, doodle, drawings, h2h, illustrations, one-a-day

:: ewee 12:15:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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