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06.30.00
tgif [aaah]
If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
It is never too early, either.
- George Eliott
Woohoo. blasting Macy Gray [thanks, miz mr], looking like a clone in my company tshirt, using my company pen on my company notebook [you know i love the tchotchkes].
had nightmares last night - there was a tough blond woman with a torch, looming behind me, out of my range of vision, I could catch glimpses of her in mirrors and photos [an un-vampire?]. I woke up to solve the dream, and realized that I was seeing the looming fear of my dog's death in the corners of my mind.
..._
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06.27.00
better [a bit]
sigh. well, busy busy at work, which is good, I suppose. getting a little burnt out, but just worked out some more details for my own pseudo-sweeps [yes, it's kind of a parody, and ironically, it's good for my work process too].
realizing that painting and drawing haven't really been happening for awhile. been good about taking polaroids, but my scanner's down, so not many images here. I'll get back into it soon. it does suck to be so damn tired that I can't draw/paint. but that's what I get for having so much damn fun this weekend.
moley's been demanding, but I'm finally getting over it enough to be strict with her again [she was getting away with everything for awhile there!]. and I've really got to sit down and plan the next steps. I think it's just been hard to think about, and all I could do was enjoy having her home again.
..._
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06.26.00
badmoodmonday
pride was fantastic - moley trouped along in the dyke march - happily looking like the sweet superqueermo that she is [if you must know, she's a bi-butch-top, and no, I'm not projecting]. Dorothy Allison and Jewelle Gomez were a great kick in the pants, and of course the girls...
but now it's monday - and time to head home after a terribleawfulnogoodverybad day [can you say that in ASL? - I can! - actually, thanks to miz.pp, I can say "terrible, awful, no good, very bad, noodle work"].
realized that as much as I was freaking out and sad this weekend about the moleywole, that it was pretty ok, as she'd only just come back from some pretty huge shit. now I exist to make her happy and pay off her bills [I'll post the totals, if there are requests for it] - I have to admit, I'd gladly go into credit card debt to cure her, but it doesn't look like an option.
and I'm thinking about reorganizing the site [again] to make dogmo.com a separate moley website - the events and such could easily fit into ewee.net, but we'll see [suggestions?].
and I've finally located a local source [ie walking distance from my bed] of pickle-in-a-bag's [how does one pluralize that?]... so watch out for:
the first ever pickle-in-a-bag dubdubdubdotcontest!
sponsored by dogmo.com, ewee.net and the letters q, u, and r. ..._
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06.23.00
home@last
moley's home, and despite her funny new 'do [doggie mullet: shaved on top, long in the back], she's pretty well. it's good to have her back, time now to enjoy her company and keep her happy happy [czech pork schnitzel for her yesterday helped]. looking forward to the pride goings-on.
..._
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06.21.00
moley update
well, we're waiting for final results, but she's awake, swallowing [apparently a good sign], and hopefully I'll be able to visit tomorrow. if I'm really really lucky I'll get to bring her home in the next day or two. she'll have a shaved head, but I can't wait to see my sweet pigdog.
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06.19.00
staving off anxiety
been dropping rescue remedy all afternoon/evening. considered just drinking the whole damn bottle.
moley is at ucdavis, preparing for her biopsy. I'm at home and tho' I love it here, I'm trying to stave off anxiety/panic. she was good and happy - got to walk and play with her tonight before leaving. she was her usual happy self as she romped and grinned in the hot davis evening.
spent much of today in davis - hothotHOT, and BAD sushi. ugh.
sorry about the megascrolling. I'll fix it tomorrow. goodnight!
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fear.anxiety.panic
so today we go to UCDavis. might have to leave her there for a few days for a biopsy. I just want them to leave her alone! but really, I want to fight this thing and win [if there is such a thing]. so we go.
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glamdog
she had a great weekend and was a movie star thanks to dave serf. and she's been playing with minabelle and baskie the wonder dog, so things feel good on the dog side.
...
_
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06.15.00
.ugh.
preliminary MRI results put Satchmo's tumor to be cancerous, likely to be a glioma/astrocytoma. not exactly sure of the vocabulary. just that it's still an uphill battle. and that we'd hoped for an easier cancer to fight. mebbe it's a menigioma (brain covering rather than the brain cells), and they can't tell for sure yet. but this just isn't going away.
next step will be a consultation at UCDavis, possibly a biopsy, possibly brain surgery, chemo, or radiation. no matter what, I'm having difficulty accepting anything, and frustrated over all the waiting for the various doctors to make time for moley.
and my heart is breaking, and I'm less able to put up with bullshit, which makes me a less effective corporate cog today.
...
but moley's been sweet - the heat had her waking me up every two hours - so finally at 3am [after taking her out AGAIN], I fooled her into the shower, and hosed her down. after that she slept like the babydog she is.
...
and yesterday, on the way back from one of her TWO walkies at Fort FUN - moley fell asleep in my truck with her nose pushed up on the stick shift. she looked like the pigdog she is. and she's never good at sleeping in my truck, so it must've been a good coupla walkies.
...
_
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06.14.00
beach.beech.b-tch
went to the beach this morning and yesterday. it smelled deliciously of ocean and fire. reminded me of home - all those fires that my dad would fend off with a hose from the roof. I never understood why the kids had to evacuate - it looked like fun to be on the roof. of course, now I wonder what the hell he was thinking.
moley's happy but clumsy today - the heat and all the food she's been stealing while I'm at work can't help. that dog is wiley, it's true.
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06.13.00
under.caffeinated
aah. now the fatigue hits. blech garble nxzck.
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leaping
went to the beach this morning with my mo. she ran along the water, leaping and prancing with the biggest grin plastered on her face. cheesily enough, my heart leaped along with her, despite the bag o' poop I was taking to the trash.
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sleeping
been sleeping badly. nightmares, anxiety attacks...
just found out that there was a 3.5 earthquake in San Jose this morning. mebbe that made me more jumpy than usual.
managed to wake up during a dream, figure out how to save myself, and then go back into my dream and start to kick some @#$!. that was cool.
...
_
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06.12.00
übermoley!
moley's been good, if a little weird on her meds - hyper at night, needy and demanding, super hungry and thirsty [it's like übermoley or something]. spent a lotta time drawing her this weekend, which helped calm some of my anxiety.
we had a wonderful weekend - on the beach [congrats to s.a. for her latest degree...] and with good folks. went to a fun little potluck thing that featured lotsa spicy food and interesting conversation. I especially liked something my friend dan said:
Children are like guests, if you want them to come back after they've left, you have to treat them well.
dan is also the fantabulous person who is redefining korean male gender roles, and might have a exposing book of his work/world travels out soon [whether he likes it or not].
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06.09.00
update.shmupdate
so the mri film was lost between here and davis. nobody's fault, but making me increasingly agitated. unhappy to have to worry about such mundane matters, especially since I want them to be efficient and competent - and anxious that they are squandering my possibly limited time with the mo. ok, no panic. breathe, and enjoy my pup...
that said, moley seems good and happy. a little demanding and needy - and sneaky! she's been raiding the dogfood when I'm at work. not the worst thing in the world, but she's not starving [no matter what she might tell you].
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06.06.00
falling for the devil
as much as I hate all things microsoft, I have to admit that dodots are fun to work on. it's all wrong - trying to have complete control over a web environment, being extremely browser [and platform!] specific. BUT it's nice to have a mildly creative project to work on for a change.
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peer pressure
considering swapping my bbedit/ftp regular joe method for the bloggerway. the little dogblog that could has been pretty easy and glitchfree for a while now [knock on somethin']. well, we'll see.
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06.05.00
basura.basura.basura
didn't know what basura meant, and why it was on a piece of paper over random computer parts until recently. so I've been wandering around saying it over and over again. now I kinda like it.
relatively calmer, and less of a wreck today. moley has been good and happy the last few days. she had her own little raver/mosh pit with her dog buddies at the free fugazi thing in the park, and was her usual grinning self at the beach. so I'm trying to follow my dog's lead and not be so @#$!% sad.
...
_
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06.02.00
hopeful.fearful
[mi corazon, mi alma, mi vida]
I know I should get out, or at least get off the dammed computer, but I'm wallowing, dammit, and nobody can save me!!! [can they?]
Everytime I think I'm ok again, something sets me off. This isn't very much fun.
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ANYBODY HAVE A VIDEOCAMERA I CAN BORROW?!?
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my heart, my soul, my life. the littlest pigdog is all of that. not sure about any of this at all. the realistic view is cutting me up, and as much as I know I can and will fight, this isn't easy to swallow without feeling like I'm suffocating. so today I'll fall to pieces, and this weekend, I'll gear up to kick this thing is the ass.
[does a tumor have an ass? and how do I kick it?]
I'm afraid this might be about to get very maudlin, folks. time to buy stock in tissues, I suppose.
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the MRI turned up a small cortical mass. we're waiting for the folks at ucdavis to have a look at it. in a lot of ways this is what I was most afraid of finding. but I'm just so glad that she's home with me, even if she's groggy and stumbly.
my sweet sweet bumblepup might be sick, but she's still my sweetest pea.
I don't think it's really really sunk in yet. I wish I could run away from this all. anyone know a good tumor-remover/holiday spot?
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06.01.00
MRI.fun
nothing much to report other than general anxiety heightened by caffeine intake. satchmo is handling it with her usual aplomb and is sleeping sweetly [and farting less sweetly] nearby.
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_
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